jacinta..

Dear dairy, 07 February 2006

I had just come back from Jacinta’s funeral. It was a sad funeral and everyone was there except for her boyfriend Ryan. It is raining outside now as though the sky is crying for Jacinta. She was so young and beautiful. She was my best friend for 18 years and I can’t believe she had left me.

I can’t forgive myself. I should have refused to go with her to the clinic when she found out that she had pregnant with Ryan’s baby. I was shocked, disappointed and dumb-founded when she broke down crying to me last December. My sweet innocent friend, one that we joked who will die as a virgin telling me words that at that moment I truly don’t understand as if she’s speaking in an alien language. But I can’t let Jacinta faced the problem by herself when she needed me the most, dairy. I had made the biggest mistake in my life when I say yes to her.

It can no longer be delay and so we went to the clinic the very next day. The so-called clinic was nothing but a small room with dim light and rusty chair on the left side along with papers piling messily on table near the entrance. There was a bed in the middle of the room with curtains surrounding it. The smell of chloroform fills the air. Jacinta’s hand was cold and it was sweating against my hand. She held my hand so hard that it hurts. But still nothing beats the eerie and horrifying atmosphere in the room.

We had previously gone to a proper clinic down town where Jacinta had gone through an ultrasound scan. The doctor has conducted a finger prick test for the Rh factor and anemia (hematocrit below 30%), as well as measuring her blood pressure and pulse. Then she was later sent to take a simple pelvic exam before taking the mifepristone pill which helps to detach the pregnancy from the wall of the uterus. That was when Jacinta has officially begun her abortion process. The following two days she experienced light bleeding.

She did the abortion at Jacinta’s Aunt Rosie’s house since her aunt was away for a month holidays. Aunt Rosie is one of the closest aunt to Jacinta. We always played around in her little garden outside her semi-d house when we were younger. She was almost like our god-mother.

Jacinta cried that day when she needs to insert the misoprostol pills into her vagina. She cried because she can’t do it yet she can’t have the baby. It was impossible to have a child because it will bring disgrace to her family. Her parents will never forgive her after all she was their only child and their only hope. They will be so disappointed and the last thing she want to do. I was there, I gave her supports and I know she wants to abort the baby badly. The pill becomes absorbed by her body and it is possible for Jacinta to bleed too much or hemorrhage that will lead her to death. I need to be by her side.

Within the following 1 to 6 hours after she had inserted the misoprostol pills she begins to have strong cramps and heavy bleeding. She too experienced nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, and a rise in temperature, she was really in pain. My heart goes out for her. I swear I’ll never go through what Jacinta was going through and I will not let her face it again. She held my hand and we were both crying so hard that my eyes hurt along with our aching hearts. The doctor said majority of women will have miscarried in 8 hours, but it may take, up to 12 hours or longer. We were both exhausted.

During the second scanning, we discovered that Jacinta was still pregnant. The medical abortion failed and she was recommended to go through a surgical abortion which is known as Vacuum Aspiration. The nightmare doesn’t ends here, Jacinta couldn’t bear to go through another ‘failure’. She has no confident in the clinic anymore. Moreover, she heard a friend saying there’s a traditional clinic down the road. That is where the “a small room with dim light” clinic Jacinta aborted her baby.

In the room, the fat lady placed a syringe, forceps, a scissors looking kind of instruments, few rolls of cotton wool, bottles of chloroform, needles and other ‘killing’ tools on the trolley. Jacinta was instructed to lie still on the bed and spread her leg wide. The fat lady then told us that she will use the scissors a-like tool to cut and slashed the fetus along with the use of forceps and so on before vacuuming the remaining of the fetus out. A bucket will be placed at the end of the bed. By the time the abortion is done, the fetus will only be in a pool of blood .Our heart dropped when we heard what she was going to do but we are too late to run away from the place.

The operation successfully ended after 2 hours. I took care of Jacinta the following days but she kept on bleeding heavily. The smell of blood alone is enough to kill. Four days later, Jacinta closed her eyes forever when I was downstairs preparing some porridge for her. She left without saying goodbye.

I blamed myself dairy, I should have stopped her and I should have told her parents. I should have not allowed her to go through the abortion especially the illegal ones. Now Jacinta is gone and my tears kept rolling and I feel so hopeless, I have fear dairy, I fear to make the same mistake as my beloved friend Jacinta had, I fear for those who need to go through abortion . I fear to witness any abortion anymore. It is too cruel.

Jacinta dear, I miss you and I’m sorry…